Who are you?

Who are you?

The real deep down you.

Do you know or even remember?

The you, you are in your mind that’s your authentic you, rather than the you that’s projected (the one you’ve been told you should be).

Maybe you know who you are and are completely comfy in yourself.  Maybe you know who you are but keep certain bits hidden because of fear or shame or because that’s not the you you are supposed to be.

Who am I?  Well, that very much depends upon when you ask.  If you read my bio page there is a whole list of different labels identifying me, but that list is very 1 dimensional.  It doesn’t really mean anything, does it?

I could add to that list of labels and try to take it a bit deeper with additional info such as astrological details : Gemini, Leo rising with Libra moon sign, born in the year of the Horse (Chinese Zodiac) and am both an Oak and a Wren (Celtic Zodiac). If turn to the tarot, my birth card tells me that I am the High Priestess. So, any clearer as to who I am? Nope, thought not.

And that’s OK. We are not our labels and we don’t have to define ourselves to anyone.  Besides, the more we learn, be it about life or ourselves, the more we evolve and grow and I suppose, change. A good few years ago now, a friend said to me “You’ve changed.” I disagreed with the “change” part as I didn’t think I had actually changed as such, more remembered and then sought out more to learn to expand my knowledge and understanding. I was pleased she had noticed. However, the comment was not meant as a compliment.

changed

I find myself returning to this “you’ve changed” comment (complete with the visual in my head of her facial expression) time and time again. I am not the same person I was 5/10/15/20 years ago, and I very much doubt that I will be the same person in 5 years time – and thank goodness for that. I don’t want to remain unchanged and stagnant. The only thing  growing in stagnation is toxicity.

Our blueprint of who we are lies unchanged underneath all the crap we have accumulated since childhood through our teens, twenties, thirties and beyond to today and, as we find out new things, try out new ideas, discover what we like/dislike, our journey to who we are really, gets both closer and further away from that blueprint.

Knowing who we are also requires knowing, embracing/ releasing and accepting our shadow self. The bits we don’t like, or cause us pain. It’s all part of our make up. For instance, I know I am too much for some people, I verbally overcompensate when I’m nervous, I am incredibly judgemental and have obnoxious tendencies,  a complete pain in the arse and a bit of a show off with a drink, yet confrontation averse and really hard on myself, to the point of hating myself, when situations come up, comments are made and I don’t so anything at the time.  It is an absolute truth that just because I didn’t react to a particular situation does not mean I didn’t notice. I may forgive, but I certainly don’t forget. I’m a fucking elephant! (can you hear the anger and bitterness there?)

It’s certainly an interesting journey, this thing we call life, unravelling who we are and who we have come to be.  It can be difficult to look at why we are the way we are and identifying the roots of certain characteristics or traits. Cringing and feeling shame or embarrassment at our previous actions or mistakes is part of this undertaking. We can’t change the past, it helped shape who we are today, but it doesn’t define us. Inorder to move on, we have to face the past, acknowledge it, feel the feels and let it go. Faaaar easier said than done. I know!  But it’s a vital step if knowing yourself wholly is important to you.

The part I struggle with the most, is being my authentic self with others. Depending on whose company I am in, will depend on which part of me is out in the open. I guess part of it is trust. Being honest and true – it’s the people/parent pleaser in me – regardless of the outcome. I worry about offending others or not being taken seriously or being misunderstood.  I am really trying to take on the advice that other people’s opinions of me are none of my business.  That is the challenge.  But I’m getting there.

So, do you know who you are? That’s none of my business.

Be true to you, not anyone else.

Lx

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